I just reread this blog post I wrote over two years ago, and I'm sad to report that recently I've been feeling the exact same way I did all those months ago. I've been struggling with motherhood and my role and I've been thinking and mulling over my thoughts, reflecting about my little life and I decided that I'd like to share some of the thoughts I've been having on this topic. Just know that even though motherhood is hard for me right now I still LOVE my girls. I love them with my whole heart and I do my very best to take care of them everyday. BUT I so badly want to effortlessly enjoy being a mom, unfortunately though, motherhood is hard. It's repetitive and exhausting and draining. I had a big melt down last week after a few particularly hard days and I told Jordan that if this was my "job" I would quit and get a different one. However, you can't exactly quit your kids. You just have to keep on trucking along trying to figure out what works. I feel very fortunate to be home with my girls but for heaven's sake can't we just have a few less tantrums and a few more naps and a little less nagging and a few more minutes to actually get stuff done?
I recently read this book (and loved it) and one thought from the very beginning has stuck with me. She said that not only do our kids need us, but we actually need them even more. At first I couldn't figure out why I needed them (a low point, obviously). They make life SO difficult. They make simple tasks into week long endeavors. They make messes and turn any average trip to the store into a living nightmare. They take away all of my independence and free time....etc. But then I realized that maybe one of the reasons why I need them is because of who I can become as I mother them. Could it be all of the lessons they teach me about patience and service and slowing down and gratitude and love? Are they actually teaching me more than I am teaching them? (I mean yes, I am teaching them, why does it take YEARS to figure out which foot your shoe goes on? And why do they get it right less than 50% of the time?)
I was at a baby shower one time and one of the bits of advice that was given was something like "You don't have to love every minute of motherhood. Because guess what? Not EVERY SINGLE PART of it is going to be awesome." Someone recently told about a mom who said they "loved every part" of mothering their new baby (and I couldn't help but reply by saying, "I hope they still love every minute when she turns 2"). The comment made me mad and sad. It made me feel like I was somehow less of a mom because I don't "love every part" of motherhood. I know that's not true but I could't help but feel frustrated by it. There are ups and downs in life and I know that even those moms that look like they "love every part" (or even say that they "love every part") have bad days too. No one is exempt from the trails and challenges in life.
I guess one of the good things about motherhood is that if you just give it a few days and the annoying or frustrating parts will fizzle out and you'll be back to enjoying the good moments again. And those sweet little people will learn how to express themselves a little better and you'll learn to be just a little more patient and things will be happy again. And maybe you'll finally finish that month long project that would have only taken an hour without children and you'll realize that the most important tasks on your To Do List were actually taking your kids to the park, playing with chalk, or finally baking banana bread with them (because they've only been asking everyday for 2 weeks).